A Year Gone By
by Raevell
Summary: It's been a year after Tidus has disappeared. However Yuna is not the only one who is missing the one she loved. TidusRikku


Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of the characters. They all belong to Squaresoft who really messed up in hooking Tidus up with Yuna!

Warnings: Language, some angst, and some Rikku/Tidus. No like, no read. I don't want flamers yelling about me about how Tidus and Yuna belong together because I really don't care. However if you feel the need to waste time typing insults to me… Free country. But it won't discourage me or change my opinion. Unfortunately I am no longer into this fandom like I was. So it will take me a while to update… Maybe the sequel will renew my interest.

For those of you who enjoy the thought of Tidus and Rikku as a couple, please check out my website dedicated them. The link address is in my profile.

A Year Gone By

By Chrysoprase

I could not believe it had been a year already. I didn't even want to think of what this night was going to be like, but one word continued to enter my head; hell. Hell for her, hell for the rest of them, hell for me. I wasn't even sure why she had organized this little get together. I guess maybe it seemed to her that having her friends around her would some how help the aching pain she felt. This night was suppose to be a celebration, that's how the rest of Spira would treat it. One year since Sin had been defeated.

One year since he was gone.

How quickly it all seems to pass. This hurts, it hurts more tonight than I thought it would. I really don't want to go, I want to stay here in my room where I can try and figure out all these emotions that I'm feeling. Still after this long I haven't been able to sort them out. I sit on my bed, knees pulled up against my chest, my shoulders slumped over with my arms wrapped around my legs. I run the back of my thumb nail over my bottom lip. It's an odd habit I got into this past year while I was thinking, only recently did my brother decide it was funny and point it out to me. I think a lot lately, my mind is one big clutter of confusing dialogue and questions. The more I think, the more it leads back to the same thing; I do **NOT** want to go to Bevelle tonight. Bevelle is where we are all planning to meet, it's still the biggest city since it has grown along with the others. Everyone is going to be there tonight, Lulu, Wakka, Kimahri, and of course, the one person who scheduled this meeting my cousin Yuna.

Well... I guess not everyone is going to be there.

Auron of course will not be there. He's dead, actually, I knew him only while he was dead. That was something that came as a bit of a surprise. I guess, since he died previously it didn't hurt so much to say goodbye to him. Where...because _he _had been taken away so suddenly it just seemed to make it all worse, worse than someone you care about dying from a disease or something because it was so expected. I think that's why I became so enraged after his death, I was so angry with him for not telling us, not preparing us for the inevitable. Telling us that he was going to leave as soon as Sin was destroyed. Then again...maybe... He didn't because he knew we might not fought as hard, I don't know. I don't know what was going on in his head. I hate him for it.

Actually... I don't. I wish I did to make it easier. I wish that somehow the anger I felt from the beginning had been strong enough to over come the love I felt for him.

I loved him... I still do, so much.

I'm not sure if I even realized it until he was gone. No, I take that back. I realized it sooner but was in denial. I refused to fully admit it to myself or him because I knew he didn't love me the way that I loved him.

He didn't love me...the way he did Yuna.

As a friend, maybe he even cared for me as a sister. But not the way I wanted. I was grateful for all the kindness he did show me, the care, but I knew when we talked about it how much he adored Yuna. I love her too, she's my cousin after all, hearing him talk about saving her I knew how much he loved her. It did hurt though I ignored the pain because I was happy for Yuna to be loved by someone like him. I would not be selfish, I loved them both too much to ever be selfish. It still hurt but because I was happy for them it did lessen the pain. I know that she loved him too. I sometimes wonder what it would be like now if he were still here. Would they have gotten married? Had kids? I guess they're too young for that still but what would the future had held for them? For me?

Thinking about this...thinking about him...hurts so much... I just want to cry. Seeing them again will only remind me of it all, the journey, the fight against Sin, and him. Him fading away, vanishing as he leapt from the airship never to be seen again...

I went to the farplane after it all. Though I did not see him when I went, the only person I saw was my mother. I wonder if it means he is no longer there, no where, just gone? Do dreams have souls? For a while I thought that maybe it meant he was out there somewhere still alive. But seeing as a year has passed with no sign of him I doubt anytime soon that he will be coming back. Even if by some miracle he did I know what it would be like. Him and Yuna...together again. Though I know it would make Yuna happy and I do want her to be happy again. She hasn't been the same since-- She still smiles but I know it's just her usual smile when she's sad. She's good at it. Me? I was never very good at hiding my emotions though I've been getting better.

Also knowing how I felt about him I feel as though I'm betraying her somehow. Though I would never try to interfere with them ever, I still feel like I'm doing something wrong loving him. I can't help it, I tried when I knew they were together, because I knew he was off limits to me but no matter how many times I tried to think of all his faults I always seemed to come up short. His hair was untidy...but I liked that. He could be so reckless...but it was only to save the people he cared about...

A knock at my door instantly snaps me from my thoughts. I sigh and slip off my bed. I'm back home. Though it's still pretty small we were able to rebuild quite a lot of it in a year and we no longer have to keep hidden from the rest of the world. Since the downfall of Yevon no one hates us anymore. Maybe an occasional old timer will yell at one of us but nothing that would threaten us like before. I reach for the knob and open the door. Standing outside it is my father.

"Rikku, there you are..." he looks at me and gives me a familiar stern look. "Rikku! We're leaving to go to Bevelle in thirty minutes and you're not even dressed to go!" he points out. I'm wearing my usual clothing for working around here. He's right in saying it really isn't proper for the occasion. "C'mon, now! Your cousin Yuna's expecting you, if you're not ready on time we'll leave without you."

"Uh...right, Pops," I give him a wry smile before shutting the door once again. I prop myself up against it, resuming stroking my bottom lip with the back of my thumb. Leave me behind...it's not a good threat seeing as I don't want to go in the first place. I can't be selfish though, I know. I can't stay locked up in here like I want to, I know the right thing to do is be there for my family and friends. I mean I lost someone I loved but Yuna... She lost someone who loved her back.

***

It doesn't take me long to get ready. I'm not one of those girls who has to have every hair in place and her clothes color coordinated. I'm wearing a simple pink dress with my hair done up in its usual ponytail with two braids done in back and black boots and leather gloves. We land and I quickly head off, saying goodbye to my brother and father as I go. Yuna wanted us all to meet in the town square by the fountain. I don't know if I'm the first one here or the last but where I was first running I find myself slowing down, my thoughts consuming me. This...this isn't right! It should have been all of us! I should be running to see all of them! Yuna, Lulu, Wakka, Kimahri, Auron and...and Tidus... I should be running to see him too. Even if he would be with Yuna I should still be running to see him too! It's not fair that he had to go, disappear...to die...

I'm crying, I don't know when I started but I am. This is where I wish so badly that I could be like Yuna. Smile instead of frown, laugh instead of cry. I wish I could laugh, I wish these tears that slid down my face where ones of laughter. I wish... I wish that I could see him again. I want it so bad to be like that, for him to be alive even if he isn't with me. Just to know that he's all right and that he's happy.

I feel someone place a hand on my shoulder. I can tell by the size it's a mans. Everything just seemed to stop for me, my throat swelled, it was hard to breathe. I want to believe it's him, want to believe he came back, but I'm too afraid to turn around and to find out that it's someone else. Closing my eyes, allowing the final tears to overflow and take a deep breath. I turn to face the person and all in that instant my heart just shattered.

I don't know why I thought it was him. I don't know why I even allowed that stupid thought to fill my head for even a second. Tidus is dead, he's dead and he's never coming back. Getting my hopes up it just hurts even more when they just get shot down. Why do I have to be so stupid? I don't blame the one who put the hand on my shoulder, I knew it was not intended to cause me pain but it just made it all worse and the tears harder to fight. Because I thought it was him, because I wanted it so _badly _to be him.

"Rikku, hey, long time no see, ya?" it's Wakka with Lulu by his side. They still live in Besaid, so it's only logical that they come together. Awkwardness over comes him as he notices my tear stained face and swelling eyes. "Uh... Your eyes, they look kinda puffy, you been cryin'?" Lulu covers her face and shakes her head, in disbelief of him asking something so obvious, I guess.

I can't lie either. I look around for an excuse, something to blame, but I can't come up with anything. The one time my brain is silent when I need it to think properly. "I...was just..."

Lulu looks at me sympathetically. "Rikku, I know, it's all right," she consoles me, giving me a tender pat on my upper arm. "We...we all miss them too. Him and Sir Auron. It's hard to be joyful on the day they both left us a year ago."

"Yeah," Wakka stated his head hanging down. "It's hard, ya know. No one 'pects you to be all happy and perky, ya?"

I try to smile, I try so hard to be like Yunie and smile when I'm sad. But it's so hard. I feel my lip curve, but I don't think it's into a smile. I know it's hard for them too, I'm not saying that but... I loved him. I loved him so much, more than I had ever loved anyone outside my family especially whom wasn't Al Bhed. He...he was the first person who wasn't Al Bhed and liked me for me. There was no look of hesitance or disapproval of me and my heritage. He defended me when Wakka first found out...

"Thanks, Lulu...Wakka... I'll be fine," I tell them, promise them, maybe even promising myself as well.

There's a silence for a moment but eventually Wakka breaks it with a nervous chuckle.

"Hey, uh, we better get going, ya? Yuna's probably waitin' for us by now, ya know."

"Oh, yeah!" I nod, forcing the perkiness in my voice. I have to be strong for Yuna. If it hurts this much for me, I know it has to be killing her too...

We traipsed across the rest of the way, glancing at the crowds of people as we pass. They all are so...happy. Happy because Sin is gone and is never to return. Seeing so many people happy brightens me as well. No more people will die, no one else shall lose their families to Sin. I watch as people sell all sorts of souvenirs, food, balloons, pinwheels... I stop Lulu and Wakka just for moment to buy one. Lulu sighs to herself and Wakka laughs, deciding while we were there to get one too. Afterwards we continue on, I sometimes blow on my pinwheel causing it to turn and the colors spin round and round, almost hypnotizing like. When we finally manage to get to the fountain, Yuna is standing there with Kimahri talking about something. She looks...happy. It's not unusual. This is normal for her. I know deep down she's in pain but she's so good at hiding it.

"Yunie!" I shout to her, holding my arm up high so she can see us through the crowds of people. I'm sad too...but...it's getting easier for me to hide. I'm not as good as Yuna is at it but I'm improving. Lulu, Wakka and I manage to get through the crowds over to her. I greet her with a hug, as I always do and she hugs me back, saying how good it is to see me.

"Rikku, I'm so glad you made it safely. Lulu, Wakka, it's so good to see you both again," she smiles at them and as we pull apart Lulu moves in to give her one too. She has been living in Bevelle since Yevon fell apart she has pretty much been, well, the president of Spira. Seems she's always so busy. I'm sure later she's going to give a speech tonight. Her dress is purple and long sleeved. She had a while back cut her hair though now it was growing out, only about a few inches shorter than it was a year ago. 

I force myself to smile and this time I manage to do so. I've been...practicing. Like Yuna told me she used to do. I've seemed to have had a lot of chances to practice lately. When my father and brother come to my door knocking, questioning me, swearing they heard me crying and I force myself through my blood shot eyes to laugh over my sob or smile though I'm frowning. I'm not always good at it as sometimes it takes longer than others to get them to leave. I just want to make it through tonight, that's all. I want to be strong for Yuna until I can make it back home and into my room, where I can cry like I'm wanting to do so badly right now.

"Been a while, ya? How ya been, Yuna?" Wakka asks.

"I'm doing well," she tells him, a smile upon her face. "It's been...hectic, with everything, but I'm doing well."

I wonder just how long it's going to be before someone brings him up. Thinking about him while I'm with her causes that sense of guilt again. Every time I feel guilty it makes me sick. It makes me thankful I decided not to have anything to eat before coming here. Not that I would have had time anyway.

"What about you, Kimahri, everything going well up at Mt. Gagazet?" I question him, trying to get my mind off of it.

He nods. "Kimahri do well, the ronso celebrate tonight," he replied. I smile at him, forcing myself though it seems the more I force it the harder it starts to become.

"Hey, I'm starving. I saw a food stand a couple of feet back, what do ya say we get somethin' to eat?" Wakka says. Even if I wanted to eat I know I couldn't keep anything down at this point.

"Sure, I haven't eaten dinner yet," Yuna says with a nod in his direction. "Are you three coming?" she inquires to me, Lulu, and Kimahri. Lulu agrees, but I quickly decline.

"Oh, I ate something before I left," I lie and lying just makes me feel worse. "Err... I'll wait here for you guys to come back."

"Kimahri will wait with Rikku," the blue ronso suddenly says and I'm a bit surprised.

"No, you don't have too--"

"Kimahri is not hungry," he tells me. I gulp, I was kind of hoping to be left alone for a bit to hopefully recollect myself. I could give a small sob and then I'd be okay again, but I couldn't do that in front of Kimahri. I would have to keep this charade up and try not to let anyone see just how miserable I truly was. Lulu and Wakka had seen me already and if I were to start that again it would be obvious that there was truly something wrong. If Yuna can handle it so can I.

"All right, you're sure?" Yuna asks and with a nod she replies, "Okay, we'll be back soon then," and then the three of them are gone, lost in the crowd. I stare silently into space for a moment but Kimahri speaking brings me from it.

"Yuna acts happy though she is truly sad. Kimahri knows she still cries."

"Yeah, I kind of figured that she was hiding it," I tell him, turning to face him. I know Yuna is good at doing that sort of thing, I wish I was as good as her. Very suddenly the ronso stares at me and says something that causes my mouth to drop open.

"Rikku worse at hiding."

I force my mouth shut and I can feel the blush cover my cheeks and the sweat drip down my face. Am I really that bad? Maybe I'm not as bad as Kimahri is good at sensing these things. I know my eyes were probably still puffy when we came over here.

"I-I know," I reply to him meekly. My gaze goes down to the ground as I speak. "I have to be strong for Yunie, you know?"

"Yuna does not want Rikku to be strong," he replies, crossing his arms as he stares out into the crowd to watch for the others return. "Yuna want Rikku to be Rikku."

"I guess..." I state as I bring my thumb to my lip. My leather glove is blocking me from stoking my bottom lip with my nail. It's driving me mad, I never realized how addicted I had become to doing it until now.

"Kimahri knows," and I look up at him, confused by what he meant. He knew what? That I was sad?

"You know...what?"

"That Rikku has same feelings for Tidus as Yuna does."

I feel as though I have been hit square in the jaw. He knew...he knew how I really felt. I had never told anyone about it so there was no one that could have told my secret to him. I could deny it, I could tell him he was wrong, but I didn't want to. I wanted to tell someone, tell them that I **did **love Tidus and that I was just as sad as Yunie. That I cry because of him, that I miss him so much. But I knew I could never tell anyone because they would never forgive me for loving the same man as Yuna. My composure is gone once more, I want to cry all over again. I'm not like Yuna, I can't hide how I feel. I'm _sad_, I want to cry, I want to scream from all the frustration.

I block my face with my hand just so he can't see how hard I'm fighting to keep the tears back. I breathe deeply, blink a few times and try to think of something funny but it isn't working.

"If Yuna knew... If Yuna knew she would hate me," I look at him, my eyes pleading with him. "_Please_, please don't tell her Kimahri," I already lost Tidus if I lost Yunie and the others too, I'm not sure what I would do. He looks almost surprised by my request though his face is always so pallid it's almost hard to read his expression.

"Yuna never hate Rikku, never," he tells me and it makes me wonder. "Yuna would understand."

Would she, really? I still don't know if I would want to take the risk by telling her. Tidus is gone...my feelings for him are meaningless. Why would I tell her something that might make her upset? I just don't want to cause any trouble.

"Hey, you two, we're back!" Wakka calls out. He, Lulu, and Yuna all carrying boxes of soba noodles and chop sticks. It smells so good... Though I'd just worry about throwing it all up if I ate it. Every time I think about him, about my love for him and Yuna's love for him it just makes me sick with nausea from the guilt. I wonder if Lulu or Wakka knew what they would do. I know they would probably be mad knowing how much Yuna loved him and thinking of me as the evil cousin trying to steal him away...

I don't know where I get these ideas.

We start talking as we walk about. Wakka tells us of how his training with the Aurochs goes. After Yuna defeated Sin for the final time he went back to playing. I had heard how much he had always loved the sport blitzball so it's good that he decided to go back to it. I've seen him play and he's pretty good at it. I had seen Tidus play, during the tournament. He was really good... I could tell by his ability why he had been the star player back in his Zanarkand. The day I first met him he told me all about it, I remember, I wasn't sure I believed him. I thought he might have hit his head or had been overcome by Sins toxin. Later on I didn't care, I just liked hearing him talk of it.

"Aren't the fireworks starting soon?" Lulu asks.

"Yes," Yuna says as she takes another bite of her soba noodles, refusing to talk again before they're completely chewed and swallowed. "They should be starting in a couples of minutes."

"We should go find a place to watch 'em then, before all the good ones are taken, ya?" Wakka says though he says it while chewing on his food and I can tell Lulu isn't impressed with the choice to do so. I giggle to myself about it and it feels good to feel happy even if it's for just a second. There's mutual agreement among us and we head off to find a good place to watch. I haven't seen fireworks since the night Sin had been destroyed, a year ago. I always liked fireworks when I was kid, now was no different. I stood next to Yuna as we waited for the first to go off. Wakka stared up at the sky, gazing around to see the first one. Kimahri stood in his usual straight position, staring up straight-faced. Lulu was the same almost, her hands held in front. I was so busy thinking of the others I didn't even notice when the first one went up, the only reason I knew was due to the big bang that came after it. I stared up and watched, there was a red one, a blue, and then a green. I watched in awe, always amazed by such man crafted beauty. Suddenly over the loud pops and the screeching whines of the fireworks, Yuna speaks.

"He...would have enjoyed it, wouldn't he?"

I know who she's talking about, the same man I've been thinking of all day. I want to smile but it just turns into a frown. I know you miss him, Yunie, I miss him too. I wish he could have been here to see this, to celebrate. I swear even now I can hear him laughing cheerfully as he watches. But...we both know if I turn to look it will be no one. I'm sure you've made that mistake too.

  
I hold her hand to try in comfort her...or maybe I'm doing it to feel better myself. Doesn't really matter right now, I guess... Right now, I can be a little selfish.

"Yeah, he would have."

"I...I really miss him, Rikku," I can see through the light from the fireworks she's crying if just slightly. She quickly wipes away the tears though as I have done that night as well. 

"Me too," I admit. She looks at me, her face somber and now a little wet from the tears. I have to be strong. I remember what Kimahri said but this has to be so hard for her. I want to be able to be there for my family in their time of need, despite my own feelings like I know Yuna would do if the roles were reversed. I know that if I had lost someone who loved me mutually as I did them she would do this, even if she missed the person too.

"I loved him, Rikku... I just wish I could have done something to keep him here."

It's almost frightening. I had said...the same thing to myself before. I wish I could have done something to keep him here. Maybe I could tell her, maybe we could share in the grief, relate to it. Maybe Kimahri knew and that's why he told me, so Yuna and I wouldn't have to be alone while we got over this. I make the decision right then...to tell her, be honest. Tell her I loved Tidus and I missed him and that I still cried for him too.

"Yunie, I...I loved...him too."

I don't know what to expect from her but I get my answer soon enough. Suddenly she smiles and I'm stunned. There was no surprise, no questioning of my words, she just smiled.

"I know," she said and I'm taken by aghast. She knew, all this time, that I loved him? That I loved him as she did? I feel as though I great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the guilt gone. Yuna knew how I felt for the man she loved and she didn't hate me, not even slightly. I wish I had told her sooner, that we could have gone through the lost of him together.

Suddenly, it all comes to a halt.

"I know you loved him dearly like a brother. You two were best friends, weren't you?" my throat swells and I gulp loudly. She didn't get...what I meant. When I stated that I loved him she thought I was referring to as one loves their friend or brother. She didn't know that I loved him as more. I think of correcting this but before I can do so, a tight hug from her stops me. "I'm so glad you have you as my cousin, you and him... You two loved me so much and I love you both dearly for that."

Telling her...it would hurt her, wouldn't it? She'd think I'd betrayed her and it would hurt her so much... I can't do that. I can't hurt my family. I only hug her back and lay my chin on her shoulder, just so she cannot see the dejected look on my face.

***

Almost as soon as I got the chance I took off towards Macalania woods, just to get away. Yuna had been asked to make a speech, so when I saw the opportunity to leave when she didn't need me, I left. I promised myself I wouldn't go in too far but I just had to get away from it all. I didn't want to come here to Bevelle tonight I only came here in the first place to be here with Yuna and to help her feel better. But with as bad as I was currently feeling I wasn't sure I would be much help. I never knew how much it could hurt... Loving someone. I guess I'm mostly to blame though since I fell for a man who loved someone else.

I wander off towards the lake. It's a really beautiful sight though painful for me as well. I remember one night after Tidus had died Yuna had shared with me that they had shared their first kiss here. I kind of guessed, since there seemed to be something different between them when they came back that night. I sit myself on the ground at the edge of the lake, not caring whether I get my dress dirty or not. It must have been a memorable kiss I bet. One of those you don't forget. I have never had a kiss myself with anyone, after all I'm not that old. One day I'm sure I'll come to love someone else but right now... I just hurt so much over him I don't think I could.

I lay back in the dirt, gazing up at the stars. There are a few out tonight but the sky just seems so dark. The fireworks ended quite a while ago and I don't think there are going to be anymore tonight so it will probably remain quiet. I wonder if Yunie's done with her speech yet? If she's wondering where I am? Part of me really wishes I had told her the truth about my feelings for Tidus. Now I still feel guilty...

I close my eyes. It's been such a long day, I can't wait to get home and rest. I'm tired and now even slightly hungry. I yawn slightly as I begin to doze off. I try to stay away but I'm comfortable right now, I feel...content. I haven't felt that way in so long.

***

Though I felt comfortable when I first nodded off when I wake my back is in agony, it hates me right now for falling asleep on the ground. I groan and force myself up into a sitting position, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I stare back out at the lake as I had been doing before, but there's something different about it this time. Someone...is standing waist deep in the water. Their back looks so familiar to me. I take a deep breath. This is...just like when I thought it was him and it was not. Why am I getting my hopes up again, why do I keep doing this?

"It's really pretty here...really peaceful and quiet," his voice...it's--"Like you could just doze off."

This is a dream, I know it is, I've had them before. But why is it, this one seems so different to me? There's something eerily real about it. It feels real. The ache in my back feels real and the cold feels real. It's never felt this way before. And unlike my other dreams I am aware that this can't be real. Could it be that this **is** real? That he's-- I force myself onto my feet though not taking my eyes off of him, fearful that if I do when I look back he will have vanish again. I approach the water and walk in without a second thought, without thinking to remove my boots. I just don't care. As if in a trance I continue towards him, I want to yell to him but my voice will not speak, my mouth will not open. It's as if he can feel my presence as I move closer he turns to look at me and then I know it's him. 

It's Tidus.

"Hey, Rikku, long time no see," he merely smiles at me and I don't know what to do. Is that all he can say?! I want to yell at him, I want to hit him, I want to strangle him for making it all seem like nothing, like this is nothing...but I...

I throw myself at him, my arms embracing him as tightly as I can, afraid. I'm so scared, so scared to let go. I want to hold on with all my might and never let go. I don't want to let him go because I'm sure that if I do he will vanish. Even if this is a dream I don't care, I want to hold on, I don't want to wake up. Before I can stop myself I'm sobbing uncontrollably as I've been managing to hold back all night but cannot anymore. I begin to ask him questions rambling on as I cry and hold on to him for dear life.

"Why? Why did you leave? Why did you have to disappear? Where were you, why didn't you come back to us, don't you know how long it's been? It's been a year, Tidus, a year since you left! I missed you, I missed you, Tidus, I missed you so much! God, don't ever leave again, don't ever go...!" I wail to him, the tears unstoppable now. I know I meant to say "_we_ missed you" but I can't think straight and I don't even care. I wanted to hold him for so long, I wanted to see him again. I know this is probably a dream, I know he's not real...but for now I can just pretend. My mind is focused on nothing but him and this feeling of being able to put my arms around him. Guilt gone, washed away by the water, no longer caring about anyone but him, not Yuna, no one, just him in this dream. This is a dream isn't it? If this is...then it wouldn't hurt to...

I don't finish the thought. My arms which had been locked securely around his waist find his neck and I kiss him, standing on my toes on the bottom of the lake to touch my lips to his. This feels like nothing I could have ever imagined, sweet, painful, and pleasurable all at once. Never had known it was a dream so I never acted out on it without a care, but since this is a dream I don't care if I'm betraying Yuna, because it isn't real, so I'm not really doing anything wrong, am I...?

His body tenses as I kiss him, like he's shocked by my actions. He's reluctant to return it. Fear overtakes me and I start to wonder... What if this _is _real? What if I had just kissed my cousins love? I pull back, my face warm with blush, one from kissing him and two from the embarrassment of doing so. He looks at me, his eyes wide and for the first time ever I wish that this _is_ a dream. That the first time I acted out on my feelings when I was sure it was a dream, it wasn't. How ironic that would be.

"Rikku..." he says my name and I always liked the sound of my name coming from him. My face still red I stare down at the water, seeing my own refection. This is like torture to me, not knowing if this is real or not, the thought that I had just betrayed my family running through my head. "I'm sorry... I didn't realize it had been so long since--since everything," he stutters. Part of me wants this to be real while another part of me doesn't. If this is real I have to fix it, think of an excuse for what I just did!

"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to kiss you, I just--!" I kissed him...damn it, what was I thinking taking a risk like that?! "I just saw you and... I was so confused and I just...! I was just so surprised--!" what am I saying? I sound like I've lost it. Maybe I have. Maybe this is a big hallucination of some kind...

"Rikku, it's okay," he gives me an almost sympathetic smile as he reaches to touch my face, cupping it tenderly in his hand. The tears all begin to flow anew and I begin to weep all over again. I'm afraid, afraid of so many things. I'm so sure that as soon as I fully admit to myself that this is real I'm going to wake up and realize it's not, that as soon as I begin to let go and get my hopes up it's all going to come crashing to a stop and leave me broken as its done many times before. I cup one of my hands over my mouth, trying to muffle my sobs. "Rikku...why are you crying? It's all right..." he reassures me but nothing about this feels right.

"I kept having...so many dreams...that you would come back to...us," I gulp, struggling to breathe through my talking and sobs. "Every time I became convinced they were real I'd wake up. Every time. And now...now I'm scared if I do that now...you'll be gone again. I missed you, Tidus, everyone missed you so much... You've been gone for so long..." I tell him, forcing myself to stop crying long enough to look up at him. He looks so...so sad.

"I'm sorry, Rikku, I didn't know. I didn't even know that it had been a year, I didn't mean to stay away this long," he tells me and I understand. I know he's not to blame in this.

"Why didn't you tell us that you were...that you were going to disappear when we killed Sin?!" I ask him, clenching my hands into fists and taking a step back away from him. It was one of the things I always wondered, why had he left us all clueless to that? It just made it all harder to deal with. One minute thinking of us all partying the night away over Sins final defeat and then finding out that he was leaving what we were all sure was for good.

He looks at me seriously as he replies. "If I had told you...that if you killed Sin not only would you be killing my old man but me too, would you have been able to do it?"

He's right. I don't think I could have, I doubt the rest would have been as willing as well too. To know that once Sin was gone, he would be gone too? It would have tore my soul in half. It came back to me being selfish or giving up the one I loved more than anything for the rest of Spira. I couldn't have made that choice I would have rather died. That's why he did not tell us until the last battle, until it was too late. I can't say the words, I just shake my head to confirm what he had just said.

"It...doesn't matter now anyway, right?" he's trying to lighten up the mood, I know. I just look at him scornfully. It _does_ matter!

"Of course it matters, it all matters!" I yell in frustration and turn my back to him, taking a few steps in the water. Then I gulp as I think about turning back around and finding him not there. I'm still not sure if this is a dream or not. I whirl back around and he's still standing there. What if...this is real...if he's back... Oh, God, Yuna... She's going to die of a heart attack.

"Is...Yuna... Is she okay?" it's almost as if he can read my mind, that he knew I had just been thinking about her. I sigh to myself and give a weak nod.

"She's still sad... But she's coping," I tell him and he seems relieved to hear it. So, it truly is mutual, isn't it? He does...love her too. It hurts but at the same time I'm glad for Yuna. Now she won't be so sad.

"Is she near here?" he questions and I nod. I know I can't linger, I have to take him back to them all. Take him back to Yuna. I start to leave the lake, walking back onto the dirt and grass, dripping from my waist down. My boots squish with water and I now wish that I had removed them before getting in. Tidus follows me out and he's even more wet than I am.

"I should...take you there," I try to smile, I have a lot to smile about after all, right? But...I guess part of me is worried of Tidus sharing with Yuna what I did to him; I kissed him. I try to keep my mind off of it and take hold of his hand. "C'mon!" I drag him towards Bevelle, not sure what to expect and every minute looking over my should to reassure myself he's still there.

***

The party in Bevelle appears to just be getting to full swing when we arrive back. It had to be getting late, I wonder how long I had been sleeping? This place is huge and I'm short on places to look for the gang. After all, I just slipped out unannounced. I still wonder though, what were the odds of me finding him? Here of all places... As we push through the groups of people we both look around for Yuna and the others, hoping to catch a glimpse of one of them. I keep having to pull him along because his pace keeps slowing down, admiring how different the place looks.

"What happened while I was gone?!" he asks. I can't help but laugh about it.

"It's been exactly a year since Sin has been gone. Don't worry, I'm sure Yuna will fill you in on all the details later on," explaining it all now would take forever. I lead him over to the fountain I first met the others at when I got here but they aren't there. I'm not surprised about this either. Only thing was it could take hours in this place to find them. I groan to myself, wishing that they could have just stayed it one place.

"Rikku!" someone shouts my name and I turn around to see Wakka coming towards me with Lulu close behind. "There you are, we've been lookin' all over the place for ya--" they both stop, frozen with shock. Tidus awkwardly messes his hair, searching for the right words to say to them. After all he had been gone for a year, the awkwardness couldn't be helped.

"Uh, hey guys," he finally decides to say. Wakka nears him, he looks a cross between confused and shocked.

"Tidus...it really you, brudda?" with a meek nod, Wakka bursts into a fit of laughs and puts him into a head lock, causing Tidus to yell and struggle as Wakka messes with his hair. "Where you been?! We never saw you, you know it's been a year since you've been gone?!" he says as he continues to laugh and Tidus continues to try and wriggle free of his grasp.

"Okay, Wakka, okay, it's nice to see you too!"

Once Wakka releases him Lulu approaches him and gives him a soft hug, a few stray tears threatening to roll down her face.

"It's...it's good to see you again," she manages out. Tidus looks surprised by his reaction and to say the least I am too. I guess I would have never figured her getting so emotional over it.

"Rikku, where did you find him?" Wakka asks me, almost making it seem like I had found a lost puppy. I smile and for the first time this night it feels real. I'm giving a real smile.

"He was...in the forest," I tell them while playing with my hair. "He...doesn't remember anything but disappearing though and coming back."

"Like sleeping for a year," Lulu muses while grasping her chin. Then she comes to the same decision I had earlier made. "We should...hurry and find Yuna to tell her that you're back."

"Ya, she gonna be real happy to see you," Wakka grins. He really does care for him as a brother so he's happy for Yuna to have someone like him. I only wish I could whole-heartily agree...no! I can't be selfish, this is a good thing. Tidus is back, Yuna will be happy again. I told myself that I would he satisfied with this, if he came back and was with Yuna. As long as he was happy I told myself I would be happy. But now...I'm not as happy as I thought I would be.

Is...is it because I kissed him? Now that I finally felt his lips on mine I want more? My face it getting hotter and redder and I'm hoping silently that none of them notice. They're talking about getting Yuna, but only now I realize the conversation. I wonder what her reaction is going to be. I guess there's only one way to find out as Lulu leads us back to their meeting place. Yuna and Kimahri had been out looking for me too... Now I feel guilty for making them worry.

As we get to the spot it I can see Yuna eagerly looking around for their arrival, hoping that they had better luck in finding me. We head over to her, Tidus a few sets behind watching his feet as he walks. He's so nervous, I can just see it it's so obvious. I try to think of something I could say to make him feel better but I just cannot come up with anything. I guess I'm too absorbed in my own thoughts to really think of anything useful to say to him.

"There you guys are! Rikku, are you okay, where did you--" she stops in mid-sentence. We all know why. She noticed him, standing behind all of us. She looks him over up and down, seeming unsure if it could truly be him. A silent nod from Lulu is all she needs. She barges through us without a second thought, leaping at him and throwing her arms around him. Looking at them...I...really wish I could be happier.

"Tidus...is it...really you?" she's crying softly, he voice a small pitiful whisper into his ear. "I thought you were gone forever! I thought I'd never see you again!" she continues burying her face in the crook of his neck as she lets it all out. I'm sure it's all over whelming to her. Right then though I just felt like I was in the way, that I shouldn't be here. That I'm doing something wrong. My mind keeps going back to that kiss I gave him and what Yuna would do if he ever decided to tell her.

"Yuna, it's okay... It's me, I'm here now... I'm...I'm sorry," he's apologizing to her, for leaving her. Because he loves her. Why... I know it's selfish but why couldn't have been me?

To Be Continued...


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